Drive Into Mordor
by DumbestFanfiction
Summary: One does not simply drive into Mordor...or does he?
1. Chapter 1

Act I

"One does not simply walk into Mordor," Boromir warned, "Its black gates are guarded by more than just Orcs. There is evil there, that does not sleep. And the great eye, is ever watchful. 'Tis a barren wasteland, riddled with fire, ash, and dust. The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. Not with ten thousand men could you do this; it is folly."

Boromir's speech was so vivid, Gandalf could practically smell the sulfur of Mount Doom. He then realized that he had accidentally let one slip. He prayed fervently that nobody else could smell it and shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Aragorn's calm voice broke him from his reverie.

"Well, can we drive in? We could take your car."

"No! One does not simply walk or drive into Mordor!" By now Boromir was getting quite flustered, and the vein on his forehead throbbed visibly.

Quite confident that his gas was no longer detectable, Gandalf rose from his seat, slamming his staff onto the cobblestone a little more forcefully than he intended. He grunted a small apology before speaking.

"Boromir, stop being selfish. Your father got you a brand new SUV with nine seats and surround sound stereo."

"No, no, absolutely not! Do you have any idea what the condition of the road into Mordor is like? And don't even get me started on the roads in Mordor. Sauron hasn't had them paved in at least two thousand years, probably more. They're full of potholes and ditches, and I've already had to replace my rear axle twice. Do you know how much my insurance will go up if I damage it one more time?"

A bone-rattling scrape shattered the quiet of the courtyard, causing hobbits to cover their ears and birds to flee the surrounding trees, as Aragorn scooched his chair closer to Boromir's; Elrond looked on in horror as the lovely flagstone was marred with four deep scratches.

Aragorn put an arm around Boromir's shoulders. "Come on, buddy. The future of the world is at stake…"

Boromir crossed his arms over his chest and Aragorn could see that perhaps a bribe was in order. He pondered for several moments and was prepared to offer Pippin as a slave for a year before he thought of an even better, more tempting, idea.

"Boromir, if you drive us to Mordor…we'll let you hold the ring for five whole minutes."

"Deal."


	2. Chapter 2

Act II

"Alright, so it's settled." Gandalf paused for a breath before continuing; the arguments over seating arrangements had taken a toll on him. "Frodo will sit up front with Boromir since he's the ring-bearer; myself, Legolas, and Aragorn will sit in the middle row, and Gimli, Samwise, and Merry shall take the last row."

"What about me?" Pippin piped up, "You said that car could seat nine."

"Ah yes, of course! Last but not least, Master Peregrin, you shall go in the trunk."

Pippin's face fell. Aragorn nudged Gandalf.

"I thought you said Gollum would go in the trunk, should we encounter him on our quest."

"That I did. Forgive me, Pippin, but I'm afraid we will have to tie you to the roof."

"I suppose we could always tie Gollum to the roof and let Pippin have the trunk."

"Oh, where's the fun in that?" But when Gandalf saw Pippin's horrified face he sighed and relented. "Very well, you may ride in the trunk, Master Peregrin."

With the help of Legolas, Pippin climbed into the trunk and was soon joined by Boromir's metal shield and sword, as well as a large portion of his body armor, Gimli's axe and beard-grooming supplies, Aragorn's sword, Legolas's bow and quiver of arrows, Gandalf's staff, as well as the small lightweight swords gifted to each hobbit. Just when he thought they couldn't possibly fit anything more into the trunk, several bags of food were packed in around his feet. Pippin picked up one of the cartons of 2% milk and was about to ask if they had remembered to get any skim, as his system was quite sensitive, when the trunk door was slammed in his face.

Boromir eased himself into the driver's seat and nodded a friendly "hello" to Frodo, who had been waiting nervously in the passenger seat for over ten minutes while the final seating arrangements were made. Boromir was intrigued by the way the hobbit closed his fist around the ring protectively as he reached over to take his sunglasses out of the glove compartment. He slipped his sunglasses over his eyes and continued to glance surreptitiously at the golden treasure dangling enticingly from its silver chain.

"The seating arrangements did not involve me being stuck in the middle of you two." Gandalf's irritated voice rang out from the middle row of seats, startling Boromir out of his reverie. Aragorn had climbed in first and claimed the window seat, and Gandalf, a fool to the ways of car seating, had climbed in behind him, followed by Legolas, who slid the door shut behind him after Frodo politely informed him that he was letting out the AC. "I refuse to sit in between you two!" He gestured to Aragorn. "I just know that the music from your earbuds is going to be blaring and Legolas is going to be eating chips the whole way!"

"That's alright, we can switch." Aragorn, always the diplomat, unbuckled his seatbelt and the two did an awkward dance as they tried to shimmy past one another. The ranger was relieved that they had managed to talk Gandalf into putting his staff in the trunk; had he not, it probably would have wound up whacking him in the store.

The door slid open again and Gimli struggled up into the car's elevated interior. He stumbled into the third row of seats and buckled himself in, followed by Sam and Merry, the latter in the middle to prevent Sam and Gimli's muffin tops from squishing together.

"Alright!" Gandalf clapped his hands together, "This is your last chance to go to the bathroom! We are not stopping for at least another four hours, so if you have to go, go now!"

A million seatbelt clicks ensued, as everyone in the car, save Frodo, Gandalf, and Pippin - who couldn't move because he was crushed by the luggage - bolted from their seats and hightailed it back inside the House of Elrond for one last pee. Gandalf slapped his forehead with his palm. "Unbelievable."


	3. Chapter 3

Act III

"We need gas." Boromir tapped the fuel gauge with his index finger. "We should stop in Rohan to fill up."

Aragorn leaned forward and popped his head into the space between the front seats. "What are you talking about? We had a full tank."

"Someone must have siphoned our gas while we slept last night."

"It's Gollum." Gandalf said.

"Gollum?" Frodo vaguely remembered Gandalf mentioning that name during their conversation in Bag End.

"He's been following us for three days."

"I've met him, Frodo." Aragorn joined in. "Last summer he siphoned, like, five gallons from my car. Really bummed me out. Anyway, we can't go to Rohan. It's too close to Isengard."

"Rohan gas is too expensive, anyway." Proclaimed Gimli. "Let us go to Moria instead. My cousin Balin will top us off for free."

"No way, Gimli. Moria smells like old people farts. That said, it should be Frodo's decision." The wizard leaned forward in his seat and tapped Frodo on the head. "Frodo, where would you like to get gas from?"

"We'll get it from the mines."

"So be it."


	4. Chapter 4

Act IV

"Ick, see, I told you this place smelled like old people farts!" Gandalf pinched his nose shut.

"I don't think it's farts - I think it's just all the dead bodies in here." Boromir mentioned nonchalantly as the tires of the SUV crunched over the skeletons of Gimli's kin as the dwarf wailed in the backseat.

"Good lord, it stinks! Set the AC to circulate."

Boromir looked confused. "Huh? What are you talking about, Gandalf? The AC's already on full blast."

"No, push that button, dummy. It'll re-circulate the air that's already inside instead of bringing in more stinky air from outside."

"Oh. Hey, that's pretty neat! You know, I've been driving for years and honestly never knew that button existed."

"Well now you do." Gandalf pulled worriedly at his beard. "I only hope Saruman doesn't figure it out…"

"Strider!" Pippin suddenly popped his head up from the pile of clutter in the trunk.

"Good lord, Pippin! You scared us half to death! What do you want?"

"This is for Strider. I found it in one of the grocery bags." He handed an envelope to Aragorn, who tore into it, expecting a love letter from Arwen. What he found instead was the delicate penmanship of her father.

_Aragorn,_

_I thought you would be content with corrupting my daughter, but apparently you felt the need to ruin my patio as well. I am enclosing the bill for replacement flagstone._

_Regards,_

_Lord Elrond_

_P.S. Go to hell._


End file.
